Too many thoughts and not enough words

As is starting to seem usual for me, my head and heart and tummy feel full with too many thoughts and I can't find the words to materialize them outside of myself. They are siting inside of me, stuck and stifled. I'm not unhappy, in fact I am happier, more relaxed and more content than I ever have been. On our weekends we get into the car and make our way around the bay, each time I feel breathless and wide-eyed at the incredible environment we have managed to find ourselves in. We stop somewhere along the way and sit looking out to sea, watching the gulls swooping and soaring or the tide crash against the ragged rocks, we might wander along listening to the sea and each other, or we might gaze into the rock pools at the initially gross but actually beautiful anemones. I cook apple and blueberry crumble and we eat it with cream, so comfortable and at ease with one another on our worn out couch. Still these thoughts tumble around inside of me, occasionally riming my eyes with tears. I am happy and content and confused. I don't have the words to explain to anyone, let alone myself what is going on for me. Perhaps it is because I am so happy and content that my body or mind feels as though it can look for how next to increase this happiness. Maybe it is because I have never planned beyond finishing university that I am struck dumb by all the possibilities. Perhaps it is the increasing feeling of pressure to be an 'adult' placed on me by society or maybe myself. Whichever or whatever it is, I am drawn to words in a way I haven't been since I was a teenager. Seeking out and rapidly consuming books and stories, unable to put them down, taking pleasure in the shape and sounds of words and sentences. I am continually struck with an incredible desire to write, to write about anything and everything. I almost never get to put pen to paper or finger to key, but stories and words and sentences nevertheless find themselves rushing around in my mind. I cannot find the words to make sense of my self, to manifest my thoughts and feelings outside of myself, but I am (perhaps unconsciously, perhaps my mind is) seeking them out.

Some nonsense

I don't know what to write, but all day today I have felt like I need to write, it has been itching under my skin. For a long time now I have felt unsettled, upset and yet very settled and very calm. If I think about it, it's pretty normal for me around this time of the year. With Christmas and New Year and the long summer break a lot gets stirred up in my mind and it takes me a long time to work through it, to even recognise all the things kicked up and swirling in my mind, to name them. I can't name them yet, but I know they're there, I can feel them. I guess I could name some of them, like the apparent changes in my family and my relationships with them (although I can't describe any further), changes in the way I see myself, considering what it is I want to do (to do a masters?). But really a lot of the things that have been stirred up, that I can feel in my insides, that somehow make me more still, more steady are not things that can be named - they're much bigger and complex than that. I feel like my mind and possibly my heart because that's how it feels, is working through these colossal dust particles without me, or at least without me being fully conscious of it. I am trying to be patient without being lazy or blase. I am trying very hard to look after myself and do what is best for me, even though sometimes it's hard. This won't make sense to anyone, it doesn't quite make any sense to me, but I want so badly to get some of it out, to give my mind some space to work in (even if it's just a musty corner)

Lessons

I seem to keep learning the same lessons over and over again, today that lesson is: just do it*. I have been putting off writing my CV cause it makes me feel shitty (who would want to hire me) and putting off doing the dishes because there are just too many of them and they're icky! But I have done them both today and I don't feel shitty, I feel accomplished. Not just from doing the dishes and writing my CV but from what is in my CV. The good and hard bit about CV's is you have to put the best of you forward. I didn't know how hard it would be. On the up side though I think I like myself more now, I have come face to face with myself and my accomplishments, and I like that person :) I guess that's another lesson I have to keep learning too, to love myself, to like myself and to put that self forward.

*I hate nike so ignore the product placement

News

I got my final results back for my honours year today, and I got FIRST CLASS HONOURS! First I asked Charlie what that meant - that's the best you can get, then I jumped all over the house. I am so incredibly proud, I feel like my entire school life of trying my best but only getting average grades has paid off. I am also a bit in shock.

Uncertainty

I feel heartbroken even though no one has broken my heart. I am fine but I feel like I'm not. My chest feels hollow or filled with tears or both. I am happy but that's not what my body is telling me. Perhaps I'm exhausted. I feel a bit lost and a bit scared. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know where I will be living in February, I know I want to live here with the tuis and kakas but I don't know if we can afford it. I don't know how we will afford to live in the way we have (with just enough to get by) and I don't know if I will have a job or what it will be. I don't know what I will be doing next year. I don't know what is going on inside or outside of me.

I am a nutter

Oh my goodness. I think I have forgotten how to relax. I have been up since 7. It's 11.30am. I have helped Charlie get ready for work. This is the second blog post I have written. I wrote an email/a novel to my niece, I have applied for the unemployed student benefit, I have looked into applying for a Masters scholarship, I have emailed two potential referee's and supervisors (one's already said yes to both, yay!) and played sims online. I also compliled a list of possible things to do because I couldn't handle not having any plans. Hehe I'm a nutter.

An aftershock?

Wow. I have completed an honours year, I have written over 40000 words, I have done four interviews, I have completed my own research project, I have done 3 presentations and I am still standing. Yesterday I walked to Uni in a strong wind warning. After logging into two computers that weren't working, the third was the charm and I printed off my research report. I put the copies in their document slips and to be honest, there was something about them that seemed beautiful. I dropped them in the assignment box and they made a thud. I couldn't believe that was it. It's over.

I went out for a coffee with some of the people doing honours with me and my lecturer, I think I was in shock, a lot of people asked me what next and I honestly don't know I haven't thought beyond yesterday. I walked home and I even couldn't handle listening to music, it felt like too much of a sensory overload, I always listen to music on the way home! I got home and Charlie was there:) I had a fizzy guava drink that I saved especially. I lay on the couch for an hour and watched cruddy tv. And then we went out for dinner and I had a chicken mole enchilada and it was delicious, I have always wanted to try chocolate chicken.

But then we came home and I burst into tears and I cried and I cried. I couldn't believe I had worked that hard for this long and asked so much from Charlie for what? it was all over and I had nothing to show for it. I know that I did it to prove to myself I was smart enough and sane enough. but now I had done it I felt like it was the stupidest thing I had ever done! I am not quite feeling that way anymore, I did expect I would break down a bit and now I have I feel less tense but I also feel a bit empty. I had thought I would feel proud and strong and ecstatically happy, but for now I don't, maybe it's still to come. I know this is a bit of a depressing post but I wanted to be honest about all the ups and down of this year and I do think they are all a part of my 'education'. I'm sure more positive posts are on there way. I guess I will keep writing this blog and will keep the title, it's not as if my education has ended isn't there some saying that's gist is you don't stop learning until your dead? Hehe I'm not feeling very pretty carefully chosen wordy because I don't have to be anymore. Hm writing that made me realise I am still taking on board the fact I have really done it, I need to finally realising I am and was capable and I could and have done it.